the most wonderful time of the year...

i don't have much time to write... it's nearing the end of the day and the last thing i want to do is sit in my office for longer than i need to...

plus, the colors are so fragrant outside that it is hard for me to sit inside... yes, i said fragrant... i know it isn't the best descriptive word, but in my mind it's perfect... brilliant, fragrant, enticing... spectacular...

fall makes me think... makes me sad... makes me feel hope... makes me want... and makes me happy... all at the same time and with equal force...

these words are not adequate... as i contemplate and write, i'll add more - but for now... that'll do, pig...

A single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow.

i've definitely been procrastinating about writing...

maybe it is out of fear... fear that once i start writing i won't be able to stop... or the fear of having nothing to say...

maybe it's out of laziness... writing takes time... and sometimes, it sort of feels like cleaning my room (which i mostly hate to do)... sorting through what needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away... clearing out the junk and spending time on things that mean something...

maybe because it hasn't been a priority... hanging out with people has taken priority over hanging out with a computer...

i'm not sure the reasoning... but today i sit, good music playing (one of the best mix tape cd's ever - thanks, amy)... and feel that now is the time, whether i have anything to say or not, whether it takes all day or 10 minutes... i'll take the time... to clean out the junk in my mind, censoring only what is necessary, which may be more than i would like to be...

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to try and sum up the last few weeks and months would pretty much be impossible to do... so i'll attempt, knowing i'll probably fail... but i'm still going to try... but i'm only going to deal with august...

i spent the first week of august in new orleans on a high school mission trip... the trip could probably have its own entry (or 5)... but i'm going to sum it up in one word...

humbling

as we pulled into the city, i was immediately broken. i was thankful for oversized sunglasses that hid my teary eyes... i know people who were directly affected by katrina and rita... but i wasn't directly affected... so before driving into the city, it had just been something tragic that happened in our country and in lives of people who were close to me... but it wasn't necessarily real to me...

my kids aren't always the most sensitive in the world... and after a couple of not-okay comments, i snapped... not necessarily out loud, but mentally, i lost it a bit... i was sad for my friend alyssa's family who lost everything... and my mind starting working overtime... and i began to think about storms in general... and how sometimes our lives can be compared to weather patterns - whether we are in times of quiet or times of storm...

sometimes i think i've become so used to the storm that i'm terrified of the quiet... like the storm becomes the thing that is familiar in my life and i don't want it to stop... maybe it's because the storm has become the thing in my life that i can blame... and when it stops, i don't have anything else to blame if there is junk in my life that shouldn't be there...

my words today won't do justice to what i was feeling in the short amount of time after we entered new orleans until we got to our hotel... there was a lot... now, it just seems as fragments of ideas...

after that experience, the rest of the week continued to knock me back into my place with surprising force...

i worked harder than i had worked in a long time, doing work that is not pretty or glorious... i smelled bad... i was dirty and gross and it seemed the perfect analogy to sin in my life... we cleaned up houses and yards... and i know that the storm caught many off guard... they didn't have time to clean their houses and even if they had, it didn't matter... the storm left them, their lives, and their junk exposed... for all the world to see... i don't want my inadequacies, my sin, my junk to be laid bare for the world to see... i want to clean it up, package it with pretty paper and a bow so it doesn't so much look like sin... but that's not being truthful about what sin is... it needs to be exposed so that healing can take place... maybe not in a huge public arena... but to one another so there can be accountability and repentance... i don't like that part sometimes...

toward the end of the week, i grew very tired... exhausted, actually... and i saw my kids notice and it bothered me... i felt like i wasn't putting on my game face enough... like they shouldn't know that i was tired... they kept coming up to me and asking, "what can i do? you look so tired..." and it made me sad... matt said that it's because they cared about us (i guess they were saying the same thing to him) and it was because they cared about us and wanted to please us... and that was even more humbling... i feel so inadequate to be working with these kids... i know that i'm not where i'm supposed to be, spiritually (and probably in other areas, too, but especially that one)... and i'm thankful that God is using me, but it's scary and humbling... i'm thankful that He chooses me, though i don't know why He does...

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i'm not sure what happened the week after new orleans... i'm sure something did... but i can't remember, because it's a week that was sandwiched between two that stick out... so whatever happened that week will forever be lost in the recesses of my mind, i think...

the third week of this month started out fine and by tuesday, started unraveling... there were 3 deaths that happened surrounding my life... it was no one in my immediate family, but they were 3 deaths that were too close... a parent, a grandparent and a student... it was one of those weeks where i was forced to stop and re-evaluate a lot of stuff about my life... does my life make a difference? would people come to know Christ as a result of my death? would there be any lost people at my funeral? am i doing everything i can to share Christ with those that don't know? where's the sense of urgency?

the sad part is, i don't think anything has changed as a result of it... i would like to think everything would have, but i don't think anything has...

immediately following the funeral on friday, i came home to deal with a big mess... it's one of my censored stories... but it caused an important discussion, starting with the statement (said to me)...

"you wear your emotions on your sleeve. you need to toughen up..."

which is true... but how does one go about "toughening up?"... just curious... so i'm working on it... even though i don't know how... i cried a lot in august...

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last week was such an up and down week... but i had one of the best mornings ever... tuesday i walked out the front door and it was the first day that wasn't HOT... so i definitely sang and danced my way to work, windows down, sunroof open, flying down the back roads that bring me to work... huge grin on my face, hair all crazy from the wind, nearly skipping across the parking lot, i walked into work... and if anything tried to get me down that day i would say "i AM walking on sunshine..." (yes, out loud...)

this morning was a lot the same as tuesday...

i'm happy i've had nuggets of good and even great in what could have been an incredibly crappy month...

if you've read this far, i commend you for your diligence... thank you and good night...

but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof

sigh...

the last two weeks have been insane/amazing/weird/exhausting/frustrating/encouraging.
high school camp was incredible... at times it was frustrating, but for the most part, it was a great week... i have never gotten on my face more for students than i did that week... i was encouraged and challenged to pray every day and did so with the other leaders during quiet time and at other times throughout the day. it was one of those weeks where we didn't see anybody come to know Christ (as a salvation experience) but we watched a lot of walls come down, a lot of baby steps (and sometimes giant leaps) toward God, and some knowledge gained... (and more than i could imagine, i'm sure - but this is the short list)

i got to spend time one-on-one with each student in our group... i saw all of them everyday as we shared meals together and talked about our days... the best word i can describe it as is intimate... the week had its fair share of problems and issues, but i walked away knowing the students a lot better and having a foundation to be able to be a part of the ministry as needed (and as i fit)...

we got on the bus to go to middle school camp... and i was driving the van... it's hard for me to drive and get to know students because i don't like to yell and i don't want to turn around... i like driving, but it can be isolating... so i didn't really feel like i got to know the students at all on the way there (and the way back was the same way as i was driving the mini-bus)...

we took a ton of kids to middle school camp and it was really hard to learn names (and faces, for that matter) - one kid came up to me at the end of the week and asked for a tylenol and i didn't remember seeing him at all before that. it was bizarre...

i had a good time, but i felt really disconnected... i got to be a part of m-fuge, so i was out on ministry site during the day and got to know the 3 students from our church who were in my group, but other than that, i don't think i did a really good job of connecting... and i was running around like crazy, not devoting the time to prayer that i should of...

on top of already feeling disconnected, i knew a few people on staff and spent some time with them, taking away time for students... the time that i spent with my friends was wonderful and definitely high lights of the week, but it made my connection with the students weak...

i had a great week, but mostly because of the conversations shared with a new-old friend who i hadn't seen in a few years... i was glad to have found that friendship... plus it was great to see my roommate (in real life) in camp mode and be able to share it with her...

right before i left camp i found out one of my favorite people in the world is staying at our house for a few days... and i get home and she arrives a couple of hours later... we hung out and talked and made a late night food run... and it was the best follow-up to a camp week i could imagine... intimate conversation about where we are in life and what we want... it was comforting to talk with someone who is in the same boat as me in many ways...

i went to church yesterday, hung out with my kids and had a great lunch with a couple of my favorite people... and my boss told me that i should take today and friday off... and i didn't argue with him, so i enjoyed sleeping in today and getting some much needed rest... then i went with cynthia to mfuge worship at belmont, which sparked further conversation... then i finally saw my roommate for the first time in july...

all of that to say, i feel like i'm right where i supposed to be in life... i'm in the right job (even though i still have bad days), in the right place in ministry, having new and old friendships that are incredible to me... i'm incredibly thankful for the journey i've been on and i'm looking forward to the next thing... but for now, it is easy to be good here...

weary...

much to say, too little energy...

i spent the last week in north carolina (ridgecrest) at camp with our high school students... it was incredible, not only because i was terrified of how the week might go and it turning out way better than i could have anticipated. i don't think i've ever loved students the way i love the students at clearview. they bring joy to my heart every time i see them. it's not just a handful of students. i seriously came home and was sad that i had to leave them. i hadn't planned on going to church tomorrow because i know exhaustion is about to get the best of me... and yet, when matt reminded the students about church in the morning and worship tomorrow night, i found myself wanting to go so that i could hang out with them again.

we had some issues at camp. it wasn't the easiest of weeks. there are many kids who were on the trip that were very hardened. i refuse to go into details, but i was really nervous about it... as we (the adults) got on our faces interceding for the students, it became apparent to me that they had won a special place in my heart and something big was about to happen. i am looking forward to seeing the ways that God is going to work in the lives of students in the next several months.

on the flip side of that, i caught a glimpse of my own spiritual immaturity and how easy it is for my flesh to take over. while at camp, something happened and i lost my temper. it wasn't an issue with the students and i didn't directly approach the situation, but knew i didn't handle it in the correct manner. immediately after realizing what i had done (or hadn't done), i felt very inadequate to be leading students at all. i'm so thankful for grace and God working through my inadequacies.

we got home this evening and i've been trying to play catch up with emails and phone calls. a lot has happened in the last week and i'm really just ready to curl up in my bed and sleep my life away... but that's not really a complete possibility...

pray for continued strength and energy for me. i have to leave my house at about 5:00 a.m. on monday morning for middle school camp... there's a lot going on and i know i need to be all there for the students. i know it will be great and i know i will be completely exhausted this time next week. how did i work fuge staff for entire summers?

i am so tired... i must go... i will try to have stories sometime soon... hopefully i'll be able to remember them.

who's up for a little adventure??

hey friends... it's been a while... i don't make excuses for not writing sooner... it's not like any of you write more than i do... (trust me... i check) - j/k... which reminds me of a story...

one time when i was hanging out with friends in the northwest, (i'm really thinking it was emily and alyssa... erin may have been there too, or maybe she just heard the story afterwards...) i said something stupid and then i said, "j-k" - just to try it out... sometimes i say things that are funny... sometimes i say things that cause ridicule to come upon me... this particular expression fell spectacularly in the second category...

but i didn't give up on it... i thought, sometime, not too long from now, i will say it and everyone will say it with me... much like barney and the lemon law (for all you how i met your mother fans)... anyway, back to the point...

on the 8th grade retreat, i thought i may have my new opportunity... j-k will become the new catchphrase... so, i tried it out... and as soon as i said it, one of the 8th grade boys said, "l-o-l" - "YES," i thought, "victory is mine, not ridicule" and since then, it has become a new middle school phrase... but it doesn't stop with j-k... we usually say, "j-k, l-o-l, b-r-b" and then laugh and walk off... it's great... maybe it's just that i have a middle school mentality or that they're too scared to make fun of me... but it's definitely picked up... and i love it... they even started saying "j-k,j-k" - which means they're really not just kidding... or j-k-squared... which is definitely something i would say...

all that to say - if you love middle school kids as much as i do (which is a lot most of the time and not so much some of the time) and you want to hang out with some of the coolest middle schoolers i know for a week in july... let's just say july 10-15, hypothetically speaking, of course... in the northern part of south carolina... and you're older than 17, you should let me know... because there may be a camp opportunity in your future... j/k-j/k

you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose...

one time in high school, eric told us that the friends we had in high school that we thought we'd be b.f.f. with forever wouldn't necessarily be our friends past high school... and of course, being 17 or 18, we disagreed with him whole-heartedly... of course he was wrong because, if nothing else, he was an adult and they didn't know anything...

i hate to say that, at times, i agree with him... i do still keep in touch with friends from high school on a semi-regular basis... over time, however, the friendships have faded because of time or distance or change or a blend of the three...

then, in college, tim encouraged us to think about our 5... the 5 people that we could count on (not family) to drop everything and run if we asked them to... the 5 friends in our lives who, when crisis or joy happened in our lives, would run to our sides if we mentioned it... no questions asked...

sometimes i forget about who those five would be... and my list 6 years ago (the first time i made it) is not the list i would make today... things change, people change...

i was helping matt out by leading his h.s. bible study yesterday... and i don't really like teaching, so i wasn't too thrilled about it... but i do love the kids... and we were talking about mark 2 where jesus heals the paralytic whose friends have lowered him through the roof... and once again, i was reminded to stop and re-evaluate the friendships i had in my life...

in thinking through friendship, the first thought that comes into my head is not a scripture verse (don't judge me - if you know me, you know what i'm about to say)... it's a movie quote...

it happens sometimes. friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant...

i've found friendship to be somewhat of a fleeting thing in many instances... however, there are those friends who have stuck by me - good times or bad... and it makes my heart smile knowing that they love me the same... i hope i've been that friends more times than i think i have... because i know it's not as many as i wish it was...

as the theme song from a great tv show says, "thank you for being a friend... your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant..."

first day with a kick...

thursday was my first day of work at the church... i decided to take it (really) easy on tuesday and wednesday... sleeping in, watching movies, reading... doing nothing, really...

on wednesday afternoon, i get a call from matt (high school/college minister) asking what i'm doing friday, thursday night and saturday morning... somewhere in my life i learned to ask questions fast and not to commit to anything before knowing the full story... yes, i'm still adventurous, but i'd like to know what the adventure is (or the rough outline of the adventure)...

he had a trip planned starting thursday night at 10:00 called "24 hours of madness" - and that's exactly what it was... so i told him if it was okay with john (my supervisor) that i'd go... and it was okay... so i got up thursday morning at 6:45 in order to get ready to go to work and be there by 8:00... worked until 4:00 (i was supposed to leave at 1:00 to go take a nap, but i rarely ever leave work when i'm supposed to if it's early)... went home and ran errands with amy, got back to the church at 8:45...

we got back about 9:30 friday night... i probably got about an hour worth of sleep total on the bus on the way home... and then i got home and went to sleep about 11:30 last night and definitely slept until 4:30 this afternoon...

here's what we did...

10:30 - left the church and made our way (only getting lost a couple of times) to climb nashville - over 20,000 square feet of rock-wall climbing...
1:00 (or so) - left climb nashville and went to laserquest in downtown nashville
4:00 - left laserquest and headed to cracker barrel somewhere near owensboro, kentucky...
8:30 (i think) - left cracker barrel and went to holiday world/splashin' safari... (theme and water park in santa claus, indiana)
4:30 - left holiday world and went to eat at ryan's in owensboro
9:30 - arrived back at the church (a little early)

so that's the rough outline of what we did... but it doesn't really do it justice... it was a ton of fun... here are the highlights:

*got to meet and hang out with a bunch of the high school kids... they are incredible... there were 47 members and visitors on the trip... and 5 "adults" - no one over 30 - 2 were college students...
*at laserquest, my name was laserqueen... someone said it sounded like a chat room name...
*holiday world is the best theme park ever... it really is amazing... it's not super expensive like every other theme park... they give out free sunscreen and soft drinks are unlimited and free all over the park... and the food is cheap... we gave each student $5 and it was enough for them to eat lunch on with money left over, usually... and it's clean and all the people that work there are nice...
*the raven, the legend and the voyage are the three roller coasters... the raven was awesome and then we went on the legend... and it was better... then... i had the experience that changed my life... the voyage is the second best roller coaster i've ever been on... and the 1st was 5 years ago... the magnum at cedar point and it barely beat out the voyage... and the voyage could be considered better because their dimensions are so close and it's wooden (the other was steel)... and wooden is awesome... i went three times in a row... and i was such a spaz about it... but it was awesome!!!
*we went into the glass blowing shop where there was definitely a sign that said, "we encourage intelligent touching" which could end up having it's own entry on my site because it made me laugh so much...
*all the way around it was just one of those experiences much like an mastercard commercial... it was priceless... a great experience...

on a completely random side note... at about hour 27 of me being awake, 16 of the trip - i found out that two of the students (twin brothers) are cousins of lindsey and beth little and jacob smythe... it was pretty cool...

i guess they know how to really "break people in" at clearview... :)